My Life’s a Mess

Stuck connecting to the Internet with a dial-up connection and an
ancient laptop running Windows NT on 32MB RAM and it’s driving me nuts.
About the only thing I can do is check email and browse a few websites
but it’s painful. I can’t even run a single LJ client, none want to
install on winnt sp6. So, it’s going to have to be notepad for my
offline writing.

My life’s a mess. More disturbing than that, I don’t seem able to do
anything about it. I’m hoping the move is going to be just the ticket,
a time to start fresh. Things can’t go on the way they are. I’m at an
evolutionary dead-end, so to speak. Je doit reculer pour mieux
to get out of this and make something out of my life. I’ve
never been in this situation before. For the first time in 12 years, I
don’t even have faith in my own ability to get out of this, something I
always had when things have been bad in the past.
Part of the problem is I’ve reached a point in my career as an IT
professional where I have to decide which way I’m going to go. I’ve
decided I don’t enjoy working for engineering types. My experience with
them over the last 4 years has not been great. They may be OK people,
but I just don’t enjoy working with them. I’m also tired of
psychopathic CEOs who enjoy breaking the spirit of those they employ.

Over the last 7 years, my focus has been working with machines and
systems of machines. I’m OK at this, but my interest is waning. I’ve
only now begun to see that career wise, I may be better suited to
support. Ideally, I’ll find myself as a sys admin in a small but
established company where I can make a difference….where I can do
tech support and systems administration. I’m an IT generalist who
happens to be very good at support, so I have to find work along those
lines. When I see job postings looking for a “Solutions Architect”, I
want to run and hide.

I’ve been in this rut now for several months. No doubt Alex’s death
changed a lot. My perspective in the last few months has changed
drastically. Yet I haven’t been able to cope with this change, or fully
realize its scope. I’m in a void, having lost interest in a lot of
things that used to interest in me, with very little inspiration to
spur interest in new directions. I’m the kind of person that must feel
inspired, and nothing is doing it for me these days. I’m languishing
and it disturbs me.

Alex’s death threw me back into the past, making it difficult for me to
look forward to things. This is where I am. I thought not writing about
it would help, but it seems to be having the opposite effect. It’s like
I’m stalled and just can’t get into gear. So I’m going to start writing
again to hopefully get my perspective back… put Alex where he
belongs in my life history, so that I can hopefully get a better sense
of where I need to go now.

One thing I really have to do is continue writing. It’s the only thing
I get any satisfaction from these days. Over my first few months at LJ,
leading up to the Memorial Concert and even now, months later, I still
get emails from people who are total strangers who take the time to
write me and say, “Thanks for writing.” These emails mean a lot to me,
and are encouraging.

It’s funny though. Right after the Memeorial, calls and emails dropped
off drastically, which is about what I expected. Now, over the last few
weeks, calls and emails concerning Alex are on the rise. Nothing like
their pre-memorial levels, but it seems Alex is once again being
remembered and missed by people who found out the news late. Even those
of us who organized and participated in the memorial are beginning to
talk about him again. A few of us have been trying to forget, but we
can’t. He’ll remain an important part of our lives, even in death.


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